When is the last time you visited Google and searched; "How to make friends," "How to talk to girls," or "How to not get bullied?"
I remember asking the same things in high school after being rejected, bullied, misinterpreted, and being left utterly alone and to myself. This happened over and over in my early life, and every time it did, I often found myself crying, "GOOGLE HELP ME!!!"
I think Google advice was helpful. If it was, I imagine I would have remembered all the advice it gave. It frequently offered several different "How to Make Friends" recipes, but I didn't want recipes, I wanted to know how it all worked, [i]what[/i] I was doing wrong, and how to convert group and social dynamics into a universal formula I could apply to any interpersonal relationship and magically manipulate it into a relationship I found ideal.
Well after years of bullying, misdirection, trial, error, and success, I have finally come up with a formula that has totally changed my social life for the better. I should also mention that it is a lot simpler than the analytical and manipulative mess I originally intended it to be. My honesty prevailed, and I didn't end up turning all my relationships into science!
I'm writing this essay because, although I know there's usually no such thing as "One size fits all" solutions, the information I intend to share has helped me tremendously, and I think it will help just about anyone who listens and actually applies it.
You've heard the phrase, "Just be yourself Jimmy. All of your friends will like you for who you really are."
Afterwards you went to school, tried to "be yourself", ended up looking foolish, cowered, and returned to behaving like a hopelessly lonely and indiscernible brick wall.
I think most people do this early in their youth. Today, "be yourself" simply sounds like bad advice. I have a solution that might offer some insight.
In high school, after years of making no friends, never dating, being bullied, insecure, and hopelessly lonely despite having well styled hair, toned muscles, and fashionably dark clothing, I angrily decided to give up on social efforts. I was DONE trying to be cool, done trying look good or fit in, done trying to be "normal". I was done pretending to be something I wasn't.
I decided to [i]be[/i] myself, [i]and[/i] behave and look however [i]I[/i] liked regardless of where I was or who I was presenting myself to. This wasn't ideal behavior or an ideal attitude, but part of these decisions were going to take a turn for the better.
Soon after giving up all social hope, my life strangely began to turn a corner. The bullying soon stopped and people I hardly knew were giving me positive attention. I realized, although I was really awkward and didn't know [i]how[/i] to talk to people, it was easier to attempt to make conversation because I didn't care about the outcome of conversation in general.
One day my neurotypical brother, one of the biggest studs and ladies man in the school, started expressing frustration as to how I, despite walking nonchalantly around school with messy hair, mismatched shoes, and being that weird kid who ran and jumped from class to class, (I [i]really[/i] gave up trying to impress others.) in his words, [i]"everyone"[/i] thought I was one of the coolest kids in the school, if not "as cool as he was". (He was REALLY cool.) He told me I did virtually [i]nothing[/i] to impress anyone, while [i]he[/i] had perfect hair, wore very fancy cologne, dressed in stunning clothing, and literally used somewhat suggestive means of social manipulation to get guys to look up to him and girls to infatuate with him. (Mind you he wasn't perfect, but in this context he excelled.)
My brother was the king of the social realm, and mind you, he knew what he was doing. So when he spoke of his kingdom, I [i]listened[/i]. He sounded a little bit irritated, as if to tell me I was either wasting my social potential or getting in the way of his own. I wasn't sure what to think of it. I had never been cool before and I didn't know what I was doing to deserve it if such was true. My brother [i]is[/i] my best friend and he typically never lies to me, so I took it for a grain of salt and continued to "whatever" my way through school.
Time began to pass and, surprisingly, the more I pressed forward in my social apathy, the better my social life became. I continued to find, not awareness or understanding, but ease in social situations. When I occasionally found myself in social circles, I somehow found myself being given social respect if not some kind of leadership status. All of this started happening while I stopped styling my hair, completely stopped trying to dress to impress, walked around school in parkour shorts/sweats and a t-shirt, and could care less who I was talking to. I had even dropped all of what friends I [i]did[/i] have to practice a hobby they wouldn't support.
So when I was finally ready to be alone for good, people finally started giving me attention.
Now It's been nearly 4 years since high school and I am glad to say, first; I no longer hate people, and second; I actually do [i]really[/i] well in social situations.
I have [i]no[/i] problems confronting or greeting strangers, I [i]still[/i] don't really care about my appearance too much, (I keep myself clean and presentable but nothing more.) I feel totally confident in public, and I am not [i]too[/i] intimidated by flirtatiousness. (It can throw me off guard, but once I'm actually [i]flirting[/i], it comes pretty easy.) I can do all of this while behaving like a nutty dude with very little immediate social awareness. Put simply, I can "be myself" and people will still like me.
So what did I do [i]right[/i]? This puzzled me for a few years, but I studied it, and figured out the following:
The more [i]I[/i] appreciated my weird but decent appearance, my abilities, my quirks, and my odd self, the more [i]everyone else[/i] began to appreciate the same.
In fact:
The more you display confidence in what you're doing, [i]almost[/i] regardless of what it is, the more people will trust that confidence and assume your doing something [i]right[/i].
Basically, the entire social ladder is literally built upon varying levels of social and self confidence, from least to greatest. You could do [i]almost[/i] anything confidently, and it would just put you higher up on the social ladder, whereas behaving insecurely will bring you down.
If you do something confidently then people trust in that confidence and assume what your doing is right unless it's really rude or disrespectful. If you do something insecurely then people will question you, your judgment, and your emotional foundation. This is the cause of bullying and/or shunning.
Doing weird stuff confidently [i]will[/i] cause people to raise their eyebrows, but they will admire your courage and confidence to comfortably stand out of the crowd.
Keep in mind, I'm [i]not[/i] referring to confidence as pride or a sense of self glamour or infatuation. I'm talking about believing in and appreciating yourself and your ideas enough to not give way to the negative opinions of other mortal, imperfect, struggling human beings. People try their best, but they [i]can't[/i] see your worth.
Basically, if you trust [i]yourself[/i], then people will trust [i]you[/i], whereas if you question [i]yourself[/i], then people will question [i]you[/i]. This is confidence vs. insecurity.
It's as if everyone has this huge need for self confidence, and they really really want more, so people either flock towards those with more of it, as a means of acquiring more, or steer clear of those who have less, fearing the emptier vacuum will suck away what confidence they have left.
In contrast, a truly confident person doesn't need to look to others to fill that vacuum because they don't have a vacuum, they have an overflowing surplus of confidence. They can walk alone. They can stand up straight. They can look weird. They can talk to whoever they want, and they [i]wont[/i] be teased or picked on.
In the end, being likable, friendly, or social, doesn't require good looks, money, bribery, being tough, being stuck-up, being a jerk, or even having neurotypical-standard social skills. By my observation and real life tested experience; having effective social conduct will be best helped by the right attitude. That attitude is confidence.
So the trick is to somehow gain self confidence, or at least social confidence.
I'll wrap this up by sharing some methods I use to build confidence. I strongly recommend all of these: (In no particular order.)
1. Take care of yourself. Let yourself look good, but don't worry [i]too[/i] much about appearance. Clean yourself up, and dress yourself in something YOU like. You don't have to look stunning, you just can't stink or be showing any skin nobody wants to see. You can use confidence to get people to appreciate your weirdness, but you can't use confidence to make people appreciate stinkiness or gunky teeth. You also can't feel good about yourself if you don't care enough to take care of yourself.
Don't try too hard at looking good either. The more you show confidence and comfort in your moderate appearance, the more people will appreciate it, whereas the more you overly-posh and pretty yourself, the more people notice a little insecurity. You'll look pretty, yet insecure. People notice both.
There is an exception to this rule though. If you end up looking ridiculous because you LIKE to look ridiculous, then people will appreciate it. An example of this is when, in grade school, a old friend of mine wore a toga to the last day of school. He was this weird chubby kid, and he knew he was weird, but walked proudly in front of the entire school during a last-day-of-school presentation wearing this ridiculous white blanket. We all thought he was [i]so cool[/i] and [i]so funny[/i]. If I did the same thing at that age, I probably would've curled up in fear, resulting in a volley of mockery and judgmental laughter.
2. Practice enduring and/or handling awkward or uncomfortable situations. In other words: Get used to getting out of your comfort zone. I did this by confronting strangers in public and practicing conversation. I started by asking people the time and then running away in fear. I progressed to talking about simple subjects for incredibly short amounts and THEN running away in fear, and eventually ended up starting long conversations with strangers until somebody needed to leave. Just remember that most people you meet in public you'll probably never meet again in this life, so be confident it's pretty safe to just practice all your weirdness and social experiments in this environment where you can try, fail, and fail again over and over until you feel comfortable being uncomfortable. I weirded a lot of people out when I first began this, and I still do.
Another way I did this was by doing things I [i]knew[/i] were super weird in public, but I just [i]really[/i] wanted to do, such as dancing. I love dancing. I dance in public ALL the time. When I first began trying to dance in public, I was insecure and reserved. This earned me uncomfortable stares, laughs, and obvious judgment. Nowadays I do it well without reserve, gloriously, and for the world to see, and consequently I earn none of the aforementioned negative feedback, but encouragement, sometimes a small crowd, an occasional competitor, and people asking me to teach them how to dance. This also serves as a great example of the contrast in behaving confidently vs insecurely.
3. Though it can be intimidating, I would strongly recommend picking up a new hobby and/or skill you could enjoy -IF- you don't have any. In my experience, there was very little that made me feel better about myself then success and/or progress in my own personal talented pursuits. My skills are part of the foundation that gave me reason to be confident in myself from the beginning. Doing this will not only build your confidence, but [i]really[/i] help focus your energy and quite all that idle garbage bouncing around your head. Its something that crosses the line between idle depression vs. active fulfillment and enjoyment. I can think of few other things that would better help develop overall personal confidence than doing such.
4. STUDY BODY LANGUAGE. I cannot stress how useful this is. You don't need to study with the intent to become a pick-up artist. It just helps you get an edge and understanding of social circumstances that most people don't have. For example, one way you can tell what someone is [i]focused[/i] on is by paying attention to which direction their feet are generally pointing. If they are pointing towards you or somebody in particular, then their desire or intent is towards you or that person, whereas if their feet are pointing more then 90 degrees away from you, then they generally want to get away from the conversation for whatever reason. This is just one example of how an understanding of body language helps. Though this doesn't affect your confidence directly, it does help in social circumstances and can help ease a bit of the anxiety from a sheer lack of understanding.
5. Use [i]positive[/i] psychology. This is doing things such as standing up straight, smiling, looking up and forward, or even telling yourself that your a decent person over and over. Confident people stand up straight, smile a lot, look ahead, and can talk positively about themselves. The more you tell your brain that you're confident, the more it will believe it. Just remember that talking yourself down or being negative has the opposite effect. Have you ever heard that forcing a smile can make you feel happier? There's studies on this stuff. I don't know how it works, but in my experience it definitely does. Tricks like these are also used a lot in self-help seminars and online courses, and you could find a lot more information about it on the web.
Those are the biggest tips that helped me through the years.
Now much time has passed, and I've hardly received any negative social feedback since grade school. I've heard I can be blunt, stark, and/or socially aggressive, which is something I'm working on, but that's the result of strong social enthusiasm.
I still can't naturally read body language, and I honestly don't know what's appropriate in a regular neurotypical conversation, but when I do talk to people, they usually seem engaged, I can relate to the person, help the person relate to me, the conversation usually lasts until either me or the other party loses interest, and it works out.
That said, who have you seen in your life who used the power of confidence as a social advantage? A class clown? A group leader? Someone really quirky everyone seems to admire? Somebody unique [i]you[/i] may admire?
How can you apply the principles of confidence in a positive way to benefit your social life?
It is do-able!
Good luck!
