Use Your Words

Use Your Words

Institute class is finally over. Everyone gets out of there seats and begin to shuffle towards the back of the classroom where snacks are being handed out. I begin roaming around the institute building greeting strangers. One by one I start some “meet and greets.”

I ask questions all meant to be deep and introspective. I’m asking for life stories. I’m asking for the very colors of ones soul. I skim over plenty of peoples lives and plenty of peoples ideas and dreams, but none of them suit my fancy. I’m more specifically looking for a certain type of life story, and not a certain color of soul, but the presence of soulful colors. I’m looking for someone who paints their lives with flavor and passion. I’m looking for someone who can give any serious answer to my questions at all. Someone. Anyone. I was looking for color in what seemed to be a grey world.

I zip around some corners, play some piano, meet more people, and eventually get tired of my pursuit and decide to go play some volleyball. I speed into the gym with my scriptures on my head, it being the only comfortable place to put them. As I enter, I approach a crowd and there I see a strange looking girl. She sees me, stands up with her own scriptures, and places them on her own head and faces me with pride.

“I would keep my books on my head all through high school!” She said.

“Hey! Me too!!” I say exultantly. “I still do to this day. It’s the only comfortable place to have em!”

“Cool! We can be friends! I’m Kylie!”

“Nice to meet you Kylie! I’m Daniel!!” I was honestly excited. It’s not everyday I meet someone who was as weird as me.

The following week I went to class, listened, mouthed off my surplus of ideas and epiphanies for the class to hear, and continued listening. I was usually the most talkative in class discussions, and in all honesty, the compliments for my comments and ideas seemed to never cease. It gave me somewhat of an ego. Something was different this time though; As I began to share my ideas, I recognized another prominent voice in the class chime in. It was Kylie. She shared her knowledge with enthusiasm and passion. She was honestly brilliant. Her passion for the gospel was something I had seldom seen in others. My ego had been challenged and I even felt a bit intimidated. I became curious.

After another class, I randomly sat down with her social circle in an attempt to create real friendship. One thing led to another, and I was soon drawing a spectacular work of art in her personal journal. She had quickly discovered I was an artist and I had quickly discovered she was an artist as well. Later on I found myself at a piano with her. She learned I loved to write music on the piano, and I enthusiastically played for her my best work. She did likewise, and the music melted my heart. We stayed at the institute late, shared secrets with one another, and giggled over our life stories until I drove her home. I even told her my secret; I was a foreigner in what seemed the another world. I tirelessly searched for one of my people and I felt I had finally found them. I had found someone with passion. I had found my color in a grey planet.

After a week I realized; I need to ask this girl out on a date. I also realized something else; there was this random returned missionary showing up to institute, and he was getting dangerously close to Kylie. I pondered the two facts and it then occurred to me that these two facts were inversely proportional; If I get close to the girl by asking her on a date then the girl gets farther away from the returned missionary. Conversely, if the returned missionary gets close to the girl then I get less of a chance to ask her on a date and get closer to her. In all reality I had competition. I promptly did the following: Nothing. I did nothing, but I was determined to do something.

Weeks went by. I had a strong feeling I needed to ask Kylie on a date and therefore was determined to do so. I also had a strong feeling that this returned missionary named “Adam” was doing better than I was in getting closer to Kylie. I felt this way because they became inseparable. If she went one way, he went likewise, and if he went another way, she went likewise. I realized I had better ask Kylie on a date soon, or things were not going to work out for me at all. I promptly did the following in resolve: Nothing.

Speaking of nothing, after institute I finally confront this Adam figure and ask him what he does and/or likes to do;

“I sit.” He says with a blank expression. This is literally the worst answer I have ever heard in my life. I burst out in laughter and tell him my feelings on the matter.

“Sometimes I stand.” He reciprocates. We both begin laughing. I couldn’t help it. I’m trying to get close to one of the most lively and colorful girls I’ve ever met and my strongest competition likes to “sit.” The irony is unbearable. He chuckles at me as I continue laughing out my stomach.

I began to get frustrated. I thought I was surely more qualified for Kylie than he was. I thought I had so much a greater chance. Me and Kylie seemed to have a connection. We were the colorful people in a grey world. I then struggled to hold him in high regard. It was selfish of me, but I couldn’t help it. In my selfish eyes I beheld pure grey. That sure didn’t stop him from getting closer to Kylie though.

I’m on the internet one day scrolling down the great wall of Facebook while reading goofy memes and having a jolly time doing nothing. Kylie has a new post and it reads KYLIE ST PRETTY: IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH: ADAM MC’GUY. (Not actual last names)

I break into tears. Nothing can comfort me. The memes only bring my lighthearted giddiness high enough to crash even deeper into the depths of despair. I came to institute shortly after with a red face and puffy eyes. She occasionally asks if I’m okay, but I cant tell her. I promptly resolve to do nothing.

Something persisted though; I kept getting this strong prompting that I needed to tell her how I felt about her. Despite this, I didn’t act. I had rules: If I was ever in a relationship I would NEVER want someone coming along and trying to hit on my girlfriend, and so in order to follow the golden rule, I would not flirt with anyone in a relationship. If I wanted respect for my own relationships then I should be decent enough to give that respect to others. This was ultimately to my dismay; Kylie was out of my reach. I could only wait for them to break up, if they ever did. I was heartbroken. The prompting persisted though; “TELL THE GIRL YOU LIKE HER.” Was heaven telling me to break the golden rule?! I was heartbroken, and I felt pain for it every day, but I couldn’t use that as an excuse to interfere with the two lovebirds.

Still, I kept getting the same impression;

“Tell her how you feel! Tell her how you feel! Tell her how you feel!”

I promptly did the following; Nothing.

She may have had my heart in utter shackles and roamed every space and canyon in my head, but I didn’t have enough dominion over my own mouth to ever utter some simple words.

One day I’m sitting on facebook as I was before. I chuckle at silly memes and my head churns over useless buzzfeed videos. A new post shows up on my feed; KYLIE ST PRETTY: ENGAGED TO: ADAM MC’GUY.

It was a long tissue-filled night. It was a long difficult week. Eventually the need to keep so many tissues next to my bed at night went away and my face began looking like that of a normal person.

I went on with daily life but one thing had changed; I needed to discontinue my friendship with Kylie. I was a chronic flirt, and I couldn’t interact with her in any other way. If there was anything I would never do, it was interfere with engagement. I knew I was done. My heart could bleed all it wanted, engagement was a line I would never cross.

The following weeks I continue to traverse the institute with sad-facedness. I do my best to avoid Kylie. She corners me on occasion. I say hi, she begins to talk about music or something I’m REALLY passionate about. I quickly get sucked in and, with guilt, swoon at her passion and knowledge on the subject. I share my passion and knowledge and she gawks at me herself with a big smile on her face. This keeps happening. In one of my favorite moments; I’m in a social circle with her, she begins talking about something and I chime in my own wisdom on the subject. She looks at me with a smile on her face;

“Daniel, If I were in another life I’d marry you!!” she says boldly. Everyone begins laughing. I, stunned, try to laugh it off.

Long story short, the following month or two I begin to find her more attractive then I ever have, and she keeps giving me these looks and compliments like I’m the hunkiest and most intelligent man alive. My feelings bounce all over the place and I continue trying to give her space. It’s obvious any interaction at all could be distracting.

One day I’m standing at a snack table after class and Kylie walks up. I greet her and we commence in a bit of menial conversation. Something seems off and our conversation seems a bit awkward. Suddenly she interrupts;

“Are you avoiding me?” She asks. I freeze. Desperately not wanting to interfere but not having the heart to lie to her I stare straight forward with a blank expression.

“Ummm……...” I hesitate.

“You ARE!! Tell me why!!!!!” She demands in a somewhat playful manner. I continue to try to push the subject aside but she promptly catches me and demands an answer. I finally cave in and take her aside in private.

After a considerable amount of stuttering, stammering, and being completely unable to explain myself, I tell her why I’m avoiding her. I tell her I’m completely gaga for her. I remind her she’s engaged, and relate how hard it was for me to just be a friend, knowing I couldn’t cross such a line. I tell her I was doing it for both of our own good.

“Oh.” She says.

“I had a huge crush on you, but I thought you just hated my guts. It took a few months for me to get over you.”

I’m silent.

“This is why we use our words Daniel.” She says. “Too late now.” She looks at me in disbelief.

I remain silent.

She eventually leaves me standing by myself. I stand and ponder for some time. Eventually I sit at the piano, dash my feelings into pieces all over the keys, and continue to think.

I had done everything I thought was right. I had respected her relationship, but did silence really cause that much heartache? I had stayed silent in order to respect the relationship of a girl who actually wanted me. I waited too long and had completely lost my opportunity. I had quite literally failed. The prompting I received to tell her how I felt was because she needed to hear it and, at least for a time, was actually, suffering because of it.

I did everything I thought I could to do the right thing and in the end did the wrong thing. I did the horribly wrong thing.

What can I learn from this? What can I walk away with from this? What did I do wrong?

There are many times in life where we are all presented with an opportunity we either feel disqualified for or are simply scared of. Life presents us with lemons on a continual basis, and we’re so often afraid of making lemonade. If there’s ANYTHING I can take from this experience it’s to “use your words.” Say what you want to say. Act on what you want to act on. Take that opportunity. Chase that dream. You never know who or what may be waiting for you behind that fresh glass of lemonade, and you never know how much you’re actually needed.

So remember; “Use your words.”